Love, Legacy and B.R.A.V.E.

My husband and I raised our family with the belief that Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Love never fails, and that is Michael’s legacy to us.

My family brought and continues to bring me great joy.  They were not my entire life, but my boys were the very best part of my life.  My husband and I were parents by choice.  There wasn’t anything about being Robert and Michael’s mother that I didn’t relish.  It’s that deep love for both of our sons that is the driving force behind B.R.A.V.E. As a strong family with strong faith based beliefs we felt invincible.  We were wrong.

I have survived the greatest heartache imaginable, I have endured the loss of peace of mind, I have faced a life without joy, and even as I have crawled out of the pits of despair, fully in the grasp of a crisis of faith, I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that only by the grace of God could I survive the death of my son.

Heartache gave birth to B.R.A.V.E.; however empathy, compassion, kindness commitment to community, and courage givesB.R.A.V.E. life.  It is our belief that we are stronger collectively than we are individually that lends B.R.A.V.E.the wings to soar.

B.R.A.V.E. is the hope that by coming together as a team of committed professionals we can change the scope of peer abuse.  It’s the faith that we have in our society to do the right thing, even when it’s difficult.  It’s the dream we hold dear for our children that gives us the strength to start again, even when our hearts remain broken.

B.R.A.V.E. is in honor of our children who have suffered from peer abuse.  It’s for the parent who feels they have been left behind because no one cares about the plight of their child.  It’s for the students who are the bystanders, it’s for the victims who need help finding their voice, and finally it’s for the abuser who has the courage to change the course of their life and behavior.

Whenever I am asked to share my story, which is in fact the story of B.R.A.V.E., I want people to really understand, to firmly grasp, before I can discuss my story, which is the death of my child, I first want to share his life.  Because only through his life and subsequent death does the horror of our loss sink in.  I want you to see what we have lost in order to understand the depth of our heartache, and the passion of our commitment towards all of our children because the reality is the word is filled with Michaels.

I received a card from my cousin on Michael’s second angel date which was also his 19^thbirthday that said, “We want to believe the word is understandable, that life is fair, that things make sense.  We want to believe that if we are careful enough, work hard enough, try hard enough; we and those we love will be safe from anything bad.”  I have always said that the angels danced the days my sons were born, and in Michael’s case they carried him home 17 years later.  I know my son rests peacefully in the arms of a loving God.  That belief gives me the strength to share our family, our grief, our pain, our joy, and our peace.  That belief gives me the ability to stand her tonight.

Sadly, there is a huge disparity between perception and reality when discussing the day to day lives of our children at school.  We perceive peer abuse to be a childhood rite of passage, but the question begs to be asked whose rite of passage, the victim, the bully, or the bystander.  When I speak to people about peer abuse, and I can see the questioning looks on their faces, I am often reminder of what Ghandi said in light of his own pain and struggles, “Be the change that you want to see”.  I want to see all of our communities firmly dealing with peer abuse.  I want to see parents involved admitting their kids are part of the problem.  I want to see teachers empowered in the classroom.  I want to see administrators dealing with peer abuse.  I want to see people outraged over the abuse of our children. It is my belief that outrage can move mountains which is why I am astounded by the apathetic behavior of adults towards peer abuse in our schools, in our communities, in our society at large.

As a society we are outraged when a woman is beaten, we are outraged over animal cruelty, we are outraged over the financial irresponsibility of Wall Street, we are outraged over the condition of our national health care, we are outraged over the blatant greed of predatory lenders, we are outraged that families are losing their homes due to foreclosure, we are outraged over the unemployment, we are outraged over the economy, we are outraged over the amount of taxes we pay, in general we are outraged, and yet we turn a blind eye to the abuse of our children when its perpetrated by another child.  Where is our collective outrage over that?

September 15, 2008 was Michael’s 17^thbirthday; it started out like any other hectic Monday morning.  There was nothing about that morning that gave us a clue that our world was about to come crashing down around our heads.

Unbeknownst to us Michael had come under attack by a well-known bully whose sense of humor was that of a sociopath.  Our son’s abuser had a behavioral file a mile wide, and this young man sat behind our son in his fourth period class and tormented him unmercifully. Unbeknownst to us, this bully had set his sights on our son, and thought it would be funny to tell the world that Michael was gay, even though Michael never self-identified as being gay.  Michael’s abuser whose actions changed the dynamics of my family found out Michael was a virgin.  Michael’s abuser then proceeded to text, tell, and shout from the roof tops via MySpace, and email that Michael was gay.  Our son attempted not once, not twice, but three times to get his schedule changed.  He was frantic to get away from his tormentor.  Each and every time the counselor’s office shooed Michael away.  In complete frustration Michael then went to the VP and made an appointment to see him.  Michael had a confirmed appointment.  However the VP failed to honor his appointment, as he never showed up.  At that point Michael circled back around to his fourth period teacher, and spoke with her, and her advice was to ignore it.  Unbeknownst to us our son was in jeopardy.  Unbeknownst to us our son was about to become a victim of bullycide. It is my opinion that this complete lack of professional empathy helped create the perfect storm that ultimately resulted in our son taking a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

All of the above behavior is illegal under federal law as well as many of our state laws.  However, the overwhelming national problem centers on the lack of reporting.  Most schools fail their students because they do not report illegal harassment, peer abuse, torment or any other type of bullying behavior.  Teachers, administrators, district employees etc… are not mandated to report so they don’t, and while some have educational safety laws that authorize the reporting, districts fail to authorize because it’s a choice, which quite frankly reinforces the hypocrisy of a zero tolerance policy towards bullying.

As a grieving parent, I know the horrible heartache of bullycide.  I know the looks.  I know the stares. I know the whispers. I know the pain.  I know people wonder how something like this could happen in their community, in their school. I know I wonder how something like that could have happened in my family, to my son. As a matter of fact, I still wonder, as I grieve my son’s death two years after his bullycide.

Now in fairness to the professionals at Mira Loma High School, it was the first month of school, it was hectic, there was a new principal, and new policies.  Judgment calls were made; as a matter of fact we all make judgment calls based on our preconceived idea of who we perceive people to be.  Michael was a bright, articulate, well liked, well-adjusted young man.  There was nothing in his background that raised a red flag except he was being a pest because he was frantic to get away from his abuser.  A judgment call was made each and every time a Mira Loma High School professional failed to pay attention and listen to Michael’s cry for help.  Those Mira Loma High School professionals have to live with the outcome of their apathetic behavior, just as my family and I have to live with the immature decision our son made.

If anything defines B.R.A.V.E. it is the quote by Charles H. Spurgeon “Faith goes up the stairs that love has built and looks out the windows which hope has opened.”  We need to get involved and stay involved.  We need to create safe environments where our teachers can do what they do best, which is teaching our kids.  We as parents need to do our part, which is to teach our children how to behave, how to be kind, how to be empathetic, how to be B.R.A.V.E.

I am asking you all to join with us as we work towards changing the apathetic behavior of adults who enjoy one set of laws for themselves, and minimize the laws for our children.  I am asking for your support as we fight to help our children who have lost their voice.  I am asking you to partner with us we wrap our arms around this national problem.  I am asking for you to be more than a bystander.I am asking you to name it, I am asking you to confront it, I am asking you to embrace it, I am asking you to lay it down, I am asking you to make a commitment, I am asking you to be courageous and B.R.A.V.E.!

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